Weird Emotions and Sentiments

I have been feeling very weird for a few days, really. I don't know why and where such emotions came from. Just know that I am very un-me these days. But as usual, I acted my normal self in front of everyone, so no one should be able to tell what I am thinking or feeling deep inside. Absolutely no one. I don't believe anybody knows me well enough to be able to detect. I only have You who can read me like a book.

This is a hectic week, lab sessions, online assignments, meet-ups, games, tutorials, lectures and many more which I cannot afford to ransack my memory to list down one by one. Or rather, my brain space's been quite filled, by people and things. Sometimes I really wonder if they are wasting the precious memory I have. If they are, I am not going to remove them, instead, I want to make them more worthy to stay in here. At the moment, these stuff are just getting in my head, I will ensure they don't self-upgrade and reach the heart. You will help me, wont You?

My timetable is more or less settled and I am really proud to hear Wenxian praise that I am such a good time-table planner. Cheers for myself and You.

Math tutor is Alexander Shapeev again. I won't let him down again, I promise since he gave me such a wide Cheshire smile when I saw him today. And I saw Yang Fei at business canteen today too, to think he still remembers my face.

Really looking forward to Chinese New Year next week. Not so much of the relatives visiting or the nagging and rambling of those Aunties and Uncles, but more of Vanessa's mahjong and movie outing on Saturday. How thrilling and I must say very hospitable of her to ask so many people along!

Lack of sleep is catching up on me. I feel like slapping myself awake because I don't believe in caffeine therapy.

I found some other's blog who also randomly posted in Chinese but mostly in English. I want to improve my proficiency in English. You will help me.

Of weird emotions and sentiments. It's time to replace your antenna if you still cannot detect anything.

Good, You're Still Secluded

No one's gonna stumble upon here, so I can write all I like here. But guess what, I shan't today because I really have to catch up on some school work.

Tutorials piling aside, I have thoroughly cleaned my room and hopefully the lizard's gone by now.

OK, done saying my piece.

Good, you're still secluded.

Stop Playing The Fool

This week of staying in PGP is a total wreakage to the plans I had before. Just yesterday, I was using my laptop in lecture to not only swap tutorial slots, but also to play! How easily distracted I am! I made a promise to myself, I wanted to take a step forward and move out of where I was. However, it does seem that I am a super duper big liar and cannot help but make empty promises. What a rascal! I am going to pay myself back for all I have done yesterday.

Actually not all done yesterday was fruitless, there was this birthday celebration for Weijia at NYDC which was most fun. Weijia made all the girls wear skirts and as expected, I wore jeans as I DON'T own any skirt of any sort, unless you count my NAS and TJ school skirts both of which I do not have on campus. By the way, Jeremy Gan and Weijia share the same birthday, 24 January, just that the latter is a year younger. I shall remember that Aquarius babies.

What happened after that was disastrous, back to PGP to play card games and guess it, till 2.30 am! How did I even manage to do that? I must have been crazy. We should have stopped playing when Sean and Kai Hee left at 12.00 am. I reckon playfulness got the better of us and we, U Fong, Wenxian, Hui Fang and I, stretched eyelids till 2.30 am in U Fong's room in Block 22. I seriously think I wasn't in the right frame of mind.

Hui Fang bunked in yesterday or rather, this morning. And later I am going for "I'm The Boss" game outing at 12 noon. I suppose I won't be getting any sleep in between so wish me luck for the 4 pm's MLE lecture. I am so going to shake the lecturer's accent into a lullaby and rock into deep slumber the moment he opens his mouth.

I hate to say this so I am not going to say it. At least not here.

Stop playing the fool, lest I'll really be one.

祝福

如果是我想要的东西, 我就一定能得到. 如果是不属于我的东西, 无论我怎样强求, 都肯定得不到.

最近有人传来一则e-mail, 说我中了一个MP3播放机. 一开始是半信半疑, 接下来便是欣喜若狂. 老天从来到没有如此款待我过, 这次应该算是把19年来的亏待一笔勾销了. 可是, 要领这份厚礼, 还并不是件容易的事. 因为一些很白痴, 很不可思议, 很无可理喻的理由, 我得大费周章, 绕了一大圈. 现在, MP3的生死还未卜. 希望能够顺利领到. 我并不需要这玩意儿, 是要给妹妹的. 只是认为难得能够在这么多人中被抽中, 真的很难得, 所以不想最后什么也没有.

开学的第二个星期, 一切还好. 只是有时魂不守舍, 在上课时, 脑子不知道飘到那里去.

为什么我不知不觉地在改变自己? 我一定要声明, 我改变是自己的决定, 是为自己好, 是自己为自己做的一点小事, 不受任何人的影响.

祝我领奖成功也祝我改变成功吧!

改变自己

已经有好一段时间没有用中文了. 现在正是时候用中文了, 以好让一些不懂的中文的人剩下一些阅读这篇部落格的时间.

昨天在Party World 的经验可说是从来都没有体验过的, 的确太好玩了! 从一开始的推三阻四，到最后的争先恐后, 还真得蛮刺激的. 唱歌的勇气我有, 也不知道是从哪里来的，就是能自然而然地, 很从容地唱. 唱歌的自信我也有, 更不知道是从哪里获得的, 就是可以好像展现与生俱来的本能一样地, 不慌不忙地大展歌喉.要是能把这样的勇气和自信能放在平常生活中那该有多好.

要是在我的学习生涯中也如此的突出, 如此的凸现, 那该有多棒. 只可惜, 要等到那一天的到来, 似乎要比想象中的要久.

要我改变自己, 谈何容易. 要我立下新年新目标, 也并非简单的事. 大家越要我做的事, 我越不想去做. 反而, 要让我自己发现得开始做某件事, 我还比较有可能去完成它. 当下的我, 只不过是个19岁的女孩, 我的思想还处于幼稚自私的地带, 所以跟我说大道理, 好像也只是对牛弹琴, 浪费唇舌的事. 我已经很习惯现在很悠哉, 很写意的生活, 所以不想改变什么. 要是把理由说出来又显得很懒惰, 很孩子气, 很不懂得分轻重一样. 更何况, 是因为有人叫我改变, 我就改变, 岂不是很没主见吗? 但是话说回来, 我要再不改变自己的幼稚想法, 很快就会变成老顽固.

一个谎言会铸成另外一个更大的谎言. 我已经领悟到了, 这个天大事实的真谛. 而我撒谎不眨眼的功夫还挺了得的. 每天都得撒谎, 每天都得用善意的谎言掩盖龌龊的事实.

叛逆的我还在, 不听话的我也还在. 能不能接受这样的我,全权由你决定. 没有人能改变我, 除非你并没有要改变我的意图.

Useless Me Got Bullied By A Trolley

Ouch, my toe! I cannot even pull a trolley properly! I was accompanying Mummy to NTUC to do some marketing and was happily pulling the food trolley behind me. And then, without warning, that trolley decided that I have too much blood and wanted to help me shed some. It crashed into the big toe of my right foot, how excruciating the pain was! Okay to be exact, it still is painful!

Now my toe's bandaged up in some weird oil and I reckon I must limp to Party World later. No more covered shoes for the time being, stick with slippers and sandles. Thank goodness my business etiquette training which calls for court shoes doesn't start so soon, lest I will be crying my toe out.

Party world later at 5 pm all the way till 9 pm. I haven't been to any song-singing place so I guess I shall be having lots of fun later. Besides, we are going to play I'm The Boss too. I am so going to gang up and own the rest.

Tomorrow's CSC Day and I don't really have a very clear idea of what I am supposed to do as a group leader. The last time during Shrek Camp, I was supposedly the group leader but I realised that I shirked much of the responsibilities and made Wei Chuan and Benny do quite a great deal of the job. I don't know how to be a group leader! I wasn't taught! Now this time, I see that I am the sole group leader, how scary! I guess I am on my own now, going solo. I wish my toe hadn't failed me at this crucial point in time.

Get well soon toe! Then we'll go kick that trolley!

My Apologies

Feeling so upset and down all of a sudden. I guess it's because of the things I've heard from Raj. Not so much of what is going to happen but rather, what has become of me.

I still vividly remember Mr Wong's impression of me. I can clearly recall what he said. I really do. But I indeed let him down by a whole load. I made myself a bad choice, I destroyed my own image, I am a total jerk in some sense.

His expectations of me weren't unreasonable, in fact they were justified. The most I could do to make it seem as if he hasn't made a wrong choice was to perform up to standard but I did not. On the contary, I did just the opposite. I am more than sure, he is very disappointed in me.

I thought I have recovered from the extremely depressed state I was in but I haven't. I thought I am more determined after the tragedy but I am not. I thought too highly of myself from the beginning. I should not have assumed too much. Brains are not to be depended on, especially if I don't do enough on my own to supplement.

Denis is in severe depression and so am I. "Prick me, do I not bleed like a mortal?" I am reminded of my nightmare as well as the nightmare I gave others. How badly I have hurt people, more than one person and more than once. I am a perfect thud.

A fresh me tomorrow, afresh.

Remorse and guilt. Apologies. Leave me by tonight. I so beg.

Pachyderm Says Thank You

I am a pachyderm and I admit that. Not everyone can be one so I should be really grateful I inherited my parents' genes in this aspect.

Many thanks to Jie Hui, Gregory, Wenxian, Jason and Hui Fang who some helped my shift my stuff over from Sheares to PGP and who one offered her help unselfishly. I am truely glad to be surrounded by helpful friends.

Many thanks to Sean too who sent me to Paya Lebar MRT just now so that I can reach home this early.

My life isn't exactly complete without benefactors. It certainly isn't complete without friends and more accurately friends with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Please pardon, pragmatic me is creeping up again. I must seal this blog before they discover this. But sincerely, I can feel the friendship brewing, how nice all of them are.

Once again, even though all of you may not see this, Pachyderm Says Thank You.

What I Did Without School

I just saw something that really spoilt my day. It is really an unfair allocation but I guess I don't have a choice but to accept it. It, in fact, is horrid. Horrid.

Apart from that, my day was peaceful and to a large extent, nice and pretty till a moment ago. I enjoy going to IKEA for breakfast and GIANT after that to look at random stuff. Discovering that there wasn't anything to get for my two cousins because they were of some hard-to-get-gift ages, Mummy and I decided maybe we should try Popular. Besides, I needed to get something for Deborah. Popular proved a much better place to get presents for these January babies. And I saw a potential present for John. Even though his birthday is not coming anytime soon, it is always better to plan ahead, isn't it?

Simply love buying things with a goal in mind. Shopping isn't exactly my cup of tea. All the hassle and haggle. All the "Should I get this or that?". All the looking and eventually not buying. My holy, how different I am from other girls but it is not as if I care.

"If one thing is to know, the other is to work on it."

One of the quotes sent through MSN. I am the way I am, take it or leave it. Unlikely to change unless something drastic happens to me.

My reply, "I am happy with the screwed/warped character I have now."

That's why I did all the above on a day I skipped school.

GG#01 Returns

First day in school has shown me how lazy and undetermined I am. Thank goodness today's stuff are all introductory and not exactly important.

But then again, I certainly need to focus, so I shall do a simple recap of what happened today in school, not of what I have learnt rather of what occured.

First thing first, morning was funny, hilarious in fact. I said, "Hello Topaz" to my sister because she's in Topaz House now. Then, there was this microphone is LT7A that cannot stop squeaking and distorting the lecturer's voice. We wasted a good whole half an hour trying to debug the microphone. Physics lecture was okay, considering the lecturer only gave a brief introduction of the course. However, I believe MLE is going to get me. The lecturer, my holy sacred cow, what on earth is he rambling about! I defintely got to push my entire Stress Club up to the front so that we will pay some attention to that poor fellow. Lest I am sure the next poor fellow will be me. And we balloted Physics tutorials and laboratory group for nothing! Apparently there was a technical glitch and all the balloting was nullified. To think I actually asked practically everyone to join in my Four-Day work week and ballot for ideal slots so that we can attain that. My recruitment of Stress Club members seems successful up till now. Lastly, I must really say I sort of like my two lecturers for CS1102C, they so call themselves Uncle Tan and Uncle Soo. I honestly didn't mean to have it this way but I guess I super can relate to old uncles. The best part is, Dr Tan is mandarin-speaking and that makes him truely easy-to-connect-with. I hope for the best for the upcoming C++ module.

Went to get textbooks from Clementi Bookshop and burnt a big hole in my pocket. I should lay down my ground rules for buying textbooks, at least read through them and not let the money go to waste. Want to see an improvement from the fiasco of last semester? Utilise the textbooks!
Heal the wound, veil the scar, put up new skin. You can do it.

/* And I secretly paste something here.

Sicher! I am going to blog about you. You are very kind-hearted and always like to pair me up with any Tom, Dick , Harry Potter. But here I declare that I don't like any one of those names you've mentioned. I like 薛功灿 now and nobody can replace him. So don't try to be funny again. Sicher! Thanks for being such a helpful friend but currently I don't need your help. When I need your help, I shall ask you for it, and you will have to help me then! */

Similarities and Differences

Different people have different reactions and responses to the same situation. Same people have different behaviour in different circumstances. Whatever and anything, I have different opinions on different people who exhibit the same behaviour under the same conditions. The only reason is because these people are different and should rightly be treated differently.

I certainly hope no one's been stalking here. If anyone is, please leave a comment to say you've stalked.

School reopening in two days. Am I prepared? Maybe not. I will take all last opportunities to enjoy the last bit of fun I can have. Subsequently, what may become of me, I daren't imagine. But the outcome must definitely be better than last semester, lest I might really go into some depression or state of self-denial.

Transformer chalet at Sentosa. Quite a success I would say considering the short notice and overwhelming response. Nice job done there. This is the time to see who's nice and who's not, whose character is passable and whose character is like crap. Saw and concluded.

The lack of sleep is creeping up on me. Sleep in peace, You.

Move!

I wonder why I made such a choice. Let it be a last enjoyment before I start the horrid school days again. Let it be a final retreat before a series of nightmares and trouble arise again.

These days, I realise I am wavering about here and there. Here and there. Where exactly do I stand, where in fact am I and where really do I want myeslf to be? It's not a simple matter of here or there. There's this place in between and that's where I am now. If all along I was here, I am actually glad I have shifted and to some extent, to somewhere near there.

Had this incredibly horrendous dream about myself not being able to wake up again. Actually, I was amused myself that when I realised I could not wake up in the dream, I was worrying that I would miss the C++ bridging lecture later. Subconsciously, they have gotten me, both the spanking e-mail and the Howler.

I shall move on from in between to there. I must prove myself this semester. I hope I did not take too long to realise I must move on. Wish me luck.

I Motivate You And Vice Versa

C++ bridging course, it's raping my holidays. But since I have been attending the lab sessions and lectures, might as well let it continue all the way. I seriously hope they are of use, so please make them be. Lest I would be doing an injustice to myself this holidays.

Received a howler. Scary. I really want that to be the first and last howler.

I have been omitting codes these days so here are two.
"I promise myself that will be the last B I will see."
"2008 will definitely be better when I get my CAP 5.0."

What determinedness and perserverance. I want that mindset too, I want that thinking too, I want to be like that too. I think I can. If Denis can, so can I.

I am ready to fight this battle, I am ready to live up to my name, I am ready to keep myself up to the mark, I am ready to game. So must You.

New

I am Sayid-ing these days. Don't ask me what that means because it only shows what a non-LOST fan you are.

School is going to restart soon, I seriously think it will be hell but I have faith in You and I that we will pull through this tough and trying period. In fact, school has already started, the C++ bridging course. It has shown me I can do much more than what I have done previous semester. Now, with the brand new, ok let me use this phrase because it's so cliche, spanking new You and I, together we pave into the new school life.

I am living my life now without Facebook and it really isn't hard. I should have done that long ago. I would have be able to stand life, it was a total fiasco for me I would say. However, if things are going to be directed this way, I am facing it. So now, I have changed my ways. To date and time, 3 people have told me they realised my account's deativated. I am wondering if more will come to know. Whatever's the case, nothing will make me turn back until I am back on the game.

Wish me luck and wits for the upcoming semester, You.

How many sides are there to me?

Seriously, how many sides are there to me? Two, I thought, You and I. Then, I realised, more.

Towards different people, towards different behaviour, towards different objects and things, there are in fact numerous faces of me. They are all me and to some extent, combinations of You and I. I may not have understood why I behaved or reacted that way, neither will I ever get to retract my words or actions. By impulse and nature, I worked things out that way.

I am so multiple-surfaced people have seen and come to conclude that I have different personalities under different circumstances. Demeanours that would not have befitted the character they have thought I am, the way of speech that is so odd it doesn't seem to come out of my mouth, actions that are so outrageous that certainly aren't part of me. And yet, they all came and went. So, honestly, there are so many sides to me that I am personally getting surprised too. How interesting I have made myself to be.

You and I generate loads and loads of sides to me.

Detachment and Fusion

I want to get sick of it, be it Facebook (or so-called Hai Ren Jing by Lam Lam) or blogging here. I must get sick of the things that I enjoy doing, so that I can go full-steam when term starts. Trust and faith in You and I will pull us through.

And also, realised that asking questions is not too hard a thing to do, even if the question is stupid in nature. However, should one have asked an intelligent question, it in fact sheds good light on oneself. I like that part of asking questions so I am going to try to work harder asking smart and intellectual questions. Back me up, I need some courage from You.

I know some people cannot accept how others behave and carry themselves, personally me too. So don't get overboard and step on my toes, it really doesn't pay. If I have irritated you, my bad then, I did not realise that but you getting back on my nerves, I mean a vicious cycle will start, you won't like that, will you? Generally refering to any you but not You.

I shall refer to You as You so You should know if I am talking about You. Recognise that I capitalise You, I worship You, hence, put all You can into me.

C++ bridging course. Keep the momentum there. I shan't try writing anything here, the indentation won't work but really, seriously, keep me there.

The infusion of You in me. Together we make a difference.

Running Away

I know I am quite lame, reading Last Term at Malory Towers, at the age of 19 but I cannot help but relate to the content of it. Running away is one of the more prominent themes in this book.

"Running away from things is never any good. You can't run away from difficulties. You only take them with you. Running away never gets us anywhere."

How very true and how we all know this basic facet of life but at the same time, how we are all running away from what is right in front of us. I honestly cannot deny that I have been trying to escape from reality, by whatever means there are. It is sort of a reflex action for me, I wonder if it is a reflex action for most others as well. I reckon so especially if one has been hit severely with a humongous wave resulting in a great dip in esteem and confidence.

I have come to realise that running away is not the way to ressolve problems but it doesn't mean that I will not run away in face of difficulties. There is this transition between understanding and practising it. It will be hard to practise what is preached but I will try.

You and I, will attempt not to run away from each other any more because You and I need each other to complete the picture. Let's try.

In Conflict With You

"I will like to _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ too but imagine the agony and pain my family has to go through after that."

I could not help but admit there is this vast difference in maturity between Luke and I. Here I am being so childishly stupid thinking that that is the best way to solve all the problems in life and there he is, unveiling the truth behind my foolish comtemplations.

That's just how different a Year 3 thinks. I wonder when I can achieve such a sound mind, one that can put me through nice brain activity, one that can propel me forward when things do not sail my way, one that is well-developed enough to keep my woes and sorrows, joy and happiness in. Seriously, I do not wish for it to come too late, neither do I wish for it to come now. I still want to have some childish fun, I still want to give myself some time to play the fool, I still want to be a little of myself even if it means a tinny winny bit of the original me.

Don't push me too front forward but don't pull me back too much as well. I am in conflict with You.

You

A new year and I certainly hope it marks a new beginning for me.

I cannot stomach the setback I experienced last year which is, sad to say, just a few days ago. However, I will swallow it no matter how. I am on my way to recovery, I am recuperating, I am. I trust myself to return the old me to me. I want to return to where I came from and I believe I can. All I need is strength, not from anybody else, but from You. You will guide me to the correct path, won't you? I place complete faith in you, so please do not disappoint me further.

I have never made New Year resolutions as I know I will not fulfil them eventually, let alone declaring them in a blog and reviewing them after a year. Therefore, I shall not make an exception this year. So long as I know what I want and need in mind and constantly remind myself of it, I do not need an explicit, tangible alarm. All these fall on the basis that I have full confidence on You. I know the responsibility on You is great but all along You have not failed me, except just this once. It was not hard for me to re-put my trust in You because You are worth it, so I beseech you, do not betray me and my trust on you, do not.

Happy New Year to anyone who sees this, I believe no one will. This blog is as secluded as I am exposed. It is my only outlet to vent what is inside me. May it lie low for as long as it can.

You will be my Secret-Keeper. You.