Game Over.

The game is over. I need not explain more. I have already begun to feel tired over this game since ages ago. This is the time I call it a badly-played game and end it.

Digressing here, I am escaping reality. Tomorrow is my C Programming exam and here I am, wasting time. Warbook filled my study break and is still filling now. I hate myself for the lack of discipline and the easy sucumb to entices. I believe all along I have not been putting in enough effort. In TJ it was like that, now it is worse. My best efforts came and went when I was in NAS. After that it was all lousy and feeble attempts to study but ended up having fun. I want to know how I lived my NAS challenge and how I managed the feat. Sometimes I really wonder if that was me.

I am such a dreamer, all the more I should not have started playing the game. I hereby declare, Game Over.

Enjoy the jokes and let go.

Jokes have been going missing in action in my life these days and today one re-emerged. On Tuesday, after my MNO1001 tutorial, I decided to go to SoC to print some codes (which of course, reminds me of what an idiot I am in C programming but never mind that). On my way out to the printer, I saw Lorenzo. Lorenzo is my ex-classmate from TJ 03/05 and he is a cool PRC with an Italian name. This itself invokes laughter, I guess. The printer always prints out a page stating the remaining number of prints available and I gave those pages to Lorenzo since I was using his account to print my codes. Because he was in a hurry, I could not pass the entire stack of paper to him and had to look for alternative methods. Come to think of it, I called him nearly 6 times, messaged him on MSN and via SMS but to no avail. I had no choice but to make myself a fool. I packed the paper into a plastic bag and wrote a note, brought it down to B1, where his room is(we live in the same block), and asked his neighbour to hang on his door knob. What a laughing stock it could turn out to be should his neighbours come to see that Lorenzo's friend left a bag of rough paper on his door!

Another joke happened two weeks ago when I was about to go home from this horrible place which I don't call home. I was, as usual, carrying my luggage which is so heavy it helps me train my muscles. I made my way to the Computer Centre bus-stop where I met Doreen and wanted to catch a bus to the MRT station together. Just then, Squid came by and offered a lift! How nice! He even asked if Doreen wanted a lift too but she declined later politely. Then Squid and I took an internal shuttle bus to Kent Vale to get his car. Stranglely, when he drove, we had quite a great deal of things to talk about, to the extent that he missed Clementi station, Buona Vista station, Queenstown station and all the others that came along. I ended up at Bugis station which is less than 30 minutes away from Tampines. What luck and what a joke!

Then comes this Hokkien joke which threw Wan Ping and I into an abyss of uncontrollable laughter. I was relating to her how Bharat ka-lao-ed from his hostel. The story goes like this, Bharat's friend living on the second floor of his block always likes to climb up from the balcony into his room to say 'hi' via the window. As a physics pro or rather freak, Bharat wanted to prove Newton's Third Law that if his friend can do so, he can do the opposite, jumping down from his window to the balcony of the second floor, which is around 1.5 m in height. He really did it! And without doubt, he hurt himself. That is the origin of Bharat ka-lao-ing from his hostel. How hilarious, why would anybody do that in the first place? Wan Ping and I laughed all the way from the toilet to anywhere and everywhere we went. It was a brilliantly funny joke which happened to an all-time genius.

Time flies as I recount on past events, maybe I should really move on and not procrastinate and harp on things that have past. Henkie is right only for this time, let bygones be bygones. Let me go.

对不起，紫娟！

不知道为什么，升上了大学以后，我好像变了。情感丰富了许多，人也渐渐变得忧郁`悲伤`沉默了许多。以往的我并不是这样的。我想大概是离开了家，自己一个人生活的缘故，使我变得无依无靠，也无所适从。好几次，竟然为了发生在校园内的事情而哭。在来到这里之前，“哭”字从来都没有在我的字典里面。我口头上说想哭，其实根本欲哭无泪。但在我19年的生活中，哭得最惨的，好像就是今年了。还记得，那时候，又发烧又喉咙痛，简直不能承受这样的痛。我好像是第一次因为生病而掉泪。再来就是发现一个大秘密之后，不由自主地为一些感到可怜`惭愧`伤感的事而哭。再来就是今天，因为考试太难了，又加上大家都好像很厉害的样子而感到自卑`忧伤，差一点就在每个人面前大哭了。

真的不知道自己到底发生了什么事。更不知道如何恢复以往开心的我。手里打着伤心的话，眼泪也不尽的在眼眶里打转。我真的不想的，可是就是觉得很伤心，很气愤，很不值。我的生命，就这样拱手交给命运去摆布吗？我不依，我不要这样的生活，可是我却没有办法。我生存在这样的一个世界，根本就没有余地允许我放慢脚步歇息。我该何去何从，请指引我，我不想再误入歧途，但也不想变得无趣。请不要给我太多，因为我是贪心的。

让自己失望了，对不起，紫娟。

Me, Myself, I

It's been some time since I've penned down my thoughts. Although this blog is not for anyone to see, it is still a platform for me to jot down the trivial, and not-so-trivial ongoings of everyday life.

The exams are around the corner and I can see the devilish heads of exams sticking out of place, jeering at the lack of self-discipline of me. Just tomorrow I have a practical exam on C Programming and I am totally hopeless in it. What a sad and horrendous life I lead! I really don't like the feeling of not-studying-for-myself. It has been study-for-my-own-good for a nice whole 18 years, I was stupid enough to change the regime. I am to blame, so I must take the responsibility. Then again, it would be much better if I start to think the positive way now, before I resent myself further.

It's really a mixed kind of feeling now which I cannot describe in words, especially in this foreign English language. May the Force be with me to take me up, up and away from the unpleasant emotions I am experiencing now.

I laugh only because it releases stress, I smile because it is funny. I stay the way I am because I accept myself as I am.