My Apologies

Feeling so upset and down all of a sudden. I guess it's because of the things I've heard from Raj. Not so much of what is going to happen but rather, what has become of me.

I still vividly remember Mr Wong's impression of me. I can clearly recall what he said. I really do. But I indeed let him down by a whole load. I made myself a bad choice, I destroyed my own image, I am a total jerk in some sense.

His expectations of me weren't unreasonable, in fact they were justified. The most I could do to make it seem as if he hasn't made a wrong choice was to perform up to standard but I did not. On the contary, I did just the opposite. I am more than sure, he is very disappointed in me.

I thought I have recovered from the extremely depressed state I was in but I haven't. I thought I am more determined after the tragedy but I am not. I thought too highly of myself from the beginning. I should not have assumed too much. Brains are not to be depended on, especially if I don't do enough on my own to supplement.

Denis is in severe depression and so am I. "Prick me, do I not bleed like a mortal?" I am reminded of my nightmare as well as the nightmare I gave others. How badly I have hurt people, more than one person and more than once. I am a perfect thud.

A fresh me tomorrow, afresh.

Remorse and guilt. Apologies. Leave me by tonight. I so beg.