How?

How I am dense and useless, absolutely too true.

How I cannot change the way I am, exasperating.

How I twist facts and distort truths, just as if I am right.

How I run away from the facts and truths of life, amazing.

How I attempt to patch the hole with bits and pieces of rag, ludicrous.

How I landed myself in this dire straits, so deserving of me.

How I pant just to catch some breath, pathetic.

How I like the world to end, anticipative.

How I lie, unforgiveable.

All of a sudden, I don't know where to unleash all these negative emotions about me and my life so far. So many unpleasant things have occured and so fast that I was caught unawares. To be honest, I should have expected that things would turn out this way.

"Should have seen it coming, should have read the signs."

A different context but equally applicable quote of lyrics from Fool Again by Westlife. Please guide me in whatever is going to happen. I am very lost in this game, very helpless indeed. I seriously don't know how much I can do to make compensation for what has happened but I want to try. Please, for Heaven's sake, let me be very successful in my attempt or else I am afraid that will be the end of me.

"We *JC people are not born smart but we will work very hard to achieve what we want in life."

Denis' timely quote. Please all, continually remind me of my hapless situation and give me a push in the back. I need and deserve to be.

Grant Me, Please.

This is traumatic, devastating and untimately, all my fault.

I knew I was carrying a heavy responsibility and nothing permits procrastination. I knew I was to be on my own and practically no one could lend a helping hand. I knew it was a time for me to learn to be independent and to give my utmost best. Apparently, I did not put what I knew into action and am deeply remorseful for what has happened as a result.

"You should not be worried about what has happened but rather what you can do to it."

Denis is right. Increasingly, I feel myself as a person who can think better, especially after this agonising episode. I am not going to play on my wits too much, neither am I going to act as if nothing has happened. This painful lesson has made a scar too deep in me, to the point where I feel I can break down any time.

You will be my reminder. You will guide me words and actions. You will tell me what I ought and ought not to do. You know my two new principles in life. You, please help me. It has come to a point when only You know me best and can offer me the support I need.

One more chance, that is what I need. Just one more, to prove my worth, to tell myself that this time I was a playing kid who went too far.

All I need is just this another opportunity to be granted.

New Facets

I am beginning to know more about myself, really! After 19 years, some light has only just shed on me. I am realizing some scary truths about myself and some interesting things I can and will do as well as some things which I cannot and insist on doing.

I, for one, like things and people easily. I don't know why, so long as I see the good in some people, I will tend to like them, like as in think they are nice and worth being friends with. I like things easily too. I don't remember me being like that in the past, I was definitely more selective and picky.

I am so lazy and playful and extremely not studious. I can play till 3 am and that's two days before my exam. Yesterday, I played all the way to 3.30 am, with no guilt. Not that I am confident, not that I have prepared, not that I am good, it's plain procrastination and a heck-care, slack-till-the-eleventh-hour attitude. Like now, I still have a 1 pm paper tomorrow and here I am playing like there is no tomorrow. Seriously, I certainly was not like that in the past.

New facets of me, so spanking fresh I cannot recognise myself, so changed I am a stranger to myself now.