Down

I think I am down with something but not sure what.

I think I need something, don't know what either.

Screwed session with screwed emotions. Good night before I start complaining incessantly about the people and their seamless plans.

Correct place but wrong intention. Right location but incorrect timing.

If things are going to be this way, I will go with the flow because it takes two hands to clap.

Depressed All Over Again

I hope, I wish, I pray.

Negative thoughts will away, sighing will dimish in my life, weird emotions will leave me.

Positive perspectives will come to me, rejoicing will fill my life, lovely sentiments will surround me.

I resent, I hate, I loathe.

I am so engulfed in the bad part of my life, I cannot seem to bring myself back to where I should be. I am so disgusted by people and things and ultimately myself, I don't know if the problem actually lies with me. I am so distracted and yet obssessed, I don't belong to where I am supposed to belong. I am so overwhelmed by matters so irrelevant and simple, I cannot place myself on the platform I should be at.

My MSN conversations now do not include the expression "haha", I have refrained from typing it. I can do what I have resolved to do. But in fact, I changed the habit overnight due to a drastic tragedy which happened to me.

Mask, without it, everyone will see the real me. Which goes to say, I am extremely sorry, no one actually knows the true inner me, absolutely no one, hardly even myself, but of course, with the exception of You.

Testing Bilingualism

用华文也会用上瘾. 今天真是个恐怖的一天, 需要完成两项重大使命. 不知道自己的能力能不能达到要求, 更不知道自己会不会在中途放弃, 打退堂鼓.

靠人不如靠己. 这句话用于某些人再对不过, 但用于另一帮好人, 也未必.

祝
友谊节快乐!

It's been a weird feeling for very long. I don't know what to say and what to do. It's just a rotten feeling, a feeling which keeps bothering, keeps pestering and keeps hampering my forward path. I think I am a goner. I seriously have no idea why and how, let alone the what and who DI asks.

Route distorted. A few days ago, I realised my passion in life, my interest and direction. But it seems so uncompatible with whatever I am studying now that sometimes, I wonder if I am too disorientated to do anything about my life now. I was too blinded by the paper chasing, too obssessed with persuing what others expected of me and completely ignored what my heart and brain has been asking me to do. Or rather, to put it in a nicer tone, I was happy to follow what others want of me while I have no idea what I want to do. However, it is a different case now. I am beginning to know what I want and it is rather evident that I have to do something about it. Let me put it this way, I shall work hard on what I have to do now, so that in time to come, I will be able to persue my passion and interest. It seems slightly illogical an argument but I am sure I know what I am rambling about here.

You must trust me and give me Your power because without You, I am nothing. You must not drift off suddenly without a warning again because I need You and Your support. I have faith in You and You must do likewise. I can do it, only with You.

每一次写着写着, 都会很不知觉地变得很伤感. 如果日子一定得和往常不一样, 我就一定得和往常不一样, 用全新的自己面对眼前绊脚的困难, 用内在的力量克服所有的障碍, 用你披荆斩棘, 用自己一直以来都拥有的来打倒自己.

是这样吗? 似乎是吧.

祝
重新出发成功!

期待, 希望. 期待希望.

己所不欲, 勿施于人. 虽然非常了解这句话的含义, 却很难在现实生活中兑现它. 常常把自己不要的东西推给别人, 也经常对别人做出不想发生在自己身上的事. 玩笑开得太过火, 总会惹起别人的不满, 但没有欢笑的世界, 岂不是很枯燥乏味, 很没情趣吗? 自相矛盾的地球在旋转着, 心口不一的我在徘徊着.

也不知道为什么, 大概是脑袋烧坏了, 竟然会如此高估自己, 把自己陷于无法挽救的深渊. 更不知道从几何时, 应该是脑袋加上心都坏了, 把自己推进难以实现的幻想中. 如歌里所写的

世界上那么多人, 只有我, 一个人能拯救自己的快乐
还有
奇怪的是, 地球几亿几千万个人, 我特别想你.

是时候学学汶岘, 该放下的东西就放下, 得关注的东西就关注, 让自己的生活变得是自己的.

说得容易, 做的难. 我会努力, 至少我在这里说我会努力. 到最后结果如何, 我也不知道.

每个星期都会伤心好几次, 忧虑无数次. 这样的日子得过到五月, 不知道中途会不会崩溃.

期待明天会比今天来的快乐, 来的有意义. 期待明天会是令人意想不到的. 希望力量与我同在. 希望你与我同行这条艰辛难走的路. 期待, 希望. 期待希望.

May Is My Style

I am so frustrated and essentially bored to blog twice in a row. And I promised Changi Assembly.

I don't mean to blog about Changi Assembly without first writing something about Xi Zhi Da Er Ji Lang but I haven't been to the latter since the setting up of this blog.

Changi Assembly is fundamentally a congregation of Christians. Lam Lam brought me there for the first time. Though it wasn't my first experience at a church, I still very much look forward to this eye-opener. It is a friendly place where people share their love through prayers and hymms. Okay, and maybe a good place to practise basic translation because they cater to both English- and Mandarin-speaking folks.

May is their style though I have been using this May style for quite a while now. May later be a fulfilling day for me. May you know and think the same way as me. May you just look slightly further than you have always been. May You and I stay focussed and organised.

Rants After Chinese New Year

Chinese New Year and the first of its kind where I visited friends without my parents. Fun to a certain extent though Ms Alicia Goh will be screaming at my "certain extent".

How irritated by the school term and school work piling up. How disgusted at the people who are stepping on others' toes whether knowingly or unknowingly. How depressed by the academia I am facing. How disturbed by people who observe too much and conclude too much.

My new mission has come. Wonder if I will succeed this time. Hope I do. Because things might come my way if I have helped it go others' way.

Time to wake up from those unreal dreams. Yet it is very enticing to continue dreaming. Sometimes, I hope you are dreaming like me too.

It's really interesting investigating why some people just behave a particular way during Chinese New Year and more on a daily basis.

Frustration and anger just aren't enough to explain and describe my emotions now.

And do remind me to blog something about Changi Assembly, after all it was a good experience.

My rants after Chinese New Year will cease the moment I decide I won't try to be funny again.

What Does Zijuan Mean?

What Zijuan Means

You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience. You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along. But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

Courtesy of http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

Pretty accurate in my opinion. Whoever thinks it doesn't really describe me probably doesn't know me well enough.

Thoughts Before Chinese New Year

Lying is a gift which saves people. Your inability to lie sort of got me into some small trouble. I will try all means to avoid this trouble brewed by you. Lying is my way of life. It just keeps me moving. Please, for goodness heaven's sake, don't do a critique on this. White lies can save me a whole load of explanation and ultimately trouble. I am not advocating lying in the purpose of pure deceiving but if lying is for a good cause, why not.

I hate Newton's Third Law which applies to most aspects of life. Even some philosophical thinking belongs there. Should you earn something, you will need to give up another. I earned myself an Ipod Nano but have to lose a hairband to the lift pit. Then again, where is my Ipod? We just cannot have the best of both worlds. And that's how heaven has planned it. Destiny and Fate. They control lives and happennings to such a great extent I do not know what my brain, hands and heart are for.

I am apologetic for things which might have been difficult for you. But the upcoming Chinese New Year is supposed to be fun. If things are not running as well as you've expected, please take it lightly. It's hard to execute things as you want it to be, especially if it involves people.

CS1102C take home lab. I will not get owned by you again. You made me stay up till 5 am and it was a torture. Staying up till 5 am playing games, I don't mind but certainly, C++ Programming is not a game. It will never be. So angry and frustrated that swear words appeared on MSN, really sorry. Anger got the better of me.

It was supposed to be Happy Chinese New Year, I now have qualms about saying that.

Melancholic

Pardon me for saying this.

If life is not going to be the way it has used to be, I really don't know why I am still living it.

Exasperated by CS1102C lab. Screwed up in the head. Illusioned by emotions.

Nothing's gonna happen to me in the meanwhile, just lots and lots of unpleasant thoughts.